the only thing worse
than bad memories
is no memories at all..
[dismemberment plan]
7.28.2004
CHOOSE YOUR OWN (LESBIAN) ADVENTURE!!!
--INSTRUCTIONS:--
Here's the deal -- each individual situation DID in fact happen.
All you have to do is figure out which number of each letter choice corresponds with another number of the next letter choice. So you're going to have four individual sets of answers, one of which would look something like A3., B1., C2., D4., etc.
Did that make sense? Probably not. But if you can't figure out what the hell you're supposed to do, you're either a complete retard or you can at least have some fun making up stories about my crazy friends with strong lesbian tendencies.
** EDIT: My brainiac buddy Hamilton has made a quiz format to get the letter/number combinations down a LOT faster. Use it here! THANKS MAN. **
First person who figures out the four correct sets of answers and leaves them in the comments will get a MYSTERIOUS AWESOME PRIZE! ... which I will figure out if anyone actually gets it right.
Answers will be revealed once I lose patience with the massive number of COMPLETELY WRONG submissions. I am tipping my hat at anyone who actually has the patience of guessing all the choices from A-K when I didn't even have the willpower to type out one full set in my example answer above.
Anyway, stop being a lazy shit and do this crap!!! It's FUN, really! I promise. Plus, don't forget about the PRIZE!
Here we go:
Once upon a time,
A1. my friend Melissa,
A2. this girl Sandy,
A3. my buddy Tanya,
A4. this lady that worked at Old Navy,
who...
B1. was a chunky Puerto Rican girl,
B2. looked like Richard Simmons,
B3. was a skinny blonde girl,
B4. was a chubby Jewish girl,
and liked to eat...
C1. Nutella straight out of the jar,
C2. peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with milk,
C3. salt and vinegar potato chips,
C4. vagina,
D1. followed me around asking if I needed help finding anything.
D2. let me swim in her pool.
D3. invited me over to run through her sprinklers.
D4. asked me to watch TV with her at her house.
My fondest memory of the two of us is...
E1. perusing her collection of walnut shells decorated to look like the Spice Girls,
E2. watching porn on Spice TV while her parents were out,
E3. looking for a cheap bikini while she hid behind the clothing racks and peeked at me,
E4. playing Candyland in her basement,
or maybe it was...
F1. talking about how much she loved Michael Jordan and J.C. Chasez for hours while secretly wanting to shoot myself in the face.
F2. listening to her talk to someone in the next dressing room stall about built-in shelf bras for hours while secretly wanting to shoot myself in the face.
F3. playing Life in her basement for hours while secretly wanting to shoot myself in the face.
F4. watching her play her tiny keyboard very badly for hours while secretly wanting to shoot myself in the face.
All the while, unbeknownst to her, I had a silly school girl crush on...
G1. her boyfriend Greg.
G2. her cousin Greg.
G3. her uncle (not named Greg, unfortunately).
G4. probably some faggot that worked at Guitar Center, possibly named Greg.
In any case, once I got over there...
H1. she told my mom what a "beautiful, young Asian girl" I am.
H2. she asked me if I'd seen "Wild Things" and if I thought the lesbian scene in it was hot.
H3. she put on some awful N*Sync and grabbed my arms to dance with her.
H4. she turned on the sprinklers and we got soaking wet.
Then,
I1. she put her hands on my waist and I2. she stripped completely naked and
I3. she pushed me into her closet and
I4. she repeatedly banged on the locked door hard enough to almost knock it open and
J1. screamed, "I'M COMING IN THERE! I WANNA SEE HOW CUTE YOU LOOK! DON'T MAKE ME KNOCK THIS DOOR DOWN! I'LL DO IT!"
J2. danced around in a big circle.
J3. tried to kiss me.
J4. screamed, "GIVE ME A KISS, JUST A LITTLE ONE ON THE LIPS."
Then, I freaked out and...
K1. said, "umm, that's okay. Really,"
K2. yelled, "MOM! GET THIS CRAZY LESBIAN AWAY FROM ME!!
K3. left, feeling very strange,
K4. screamed, "OH MY GOD, GET AWAY FROM ME!!" and punched her in her fat, ugly titty,
which...
L1. made her fat, ugly grandmother scream something in a foreign language that I didn't understand from downstairs.
L2. made my mom laugh as she watched this crazy lesbian jiggle my door violently to see my naked ass.
L3. caused an awkwardness between us that made us not talk to us until she tried to invite me over to have a threesome with her boyfriend.
L4. went by unnoticed, as though nothing had happened.
Today, she is probably...
M1. sucking cock for cocaine and Hot Topic clothing.
M2. sucking cock for abortion money.
M3. sucking cock for more jars of Nutella.
M4. still an ugly lesbian working a shitty job at Old Navy.
[Peek-a-Foo]