the only thing worse
than bad memories
is no memories at all..
[dismemberment plan]
10.31.2004
Holiday
I'm never going to say that I didn't deserve this, but fuck. Add Halloween to the list of holidays I'm going to hold a grudge against for the rest of my life. That's right -- Halloween. Fuck, man.
Halloween was the last of the non-Christian holidays that used to bring some sort of joy to my life. Chocolate, an excuse to wear panties over tights in public, pumpkin pie... Really, Halloween is seriously the shit.
Christian holidays are the absolute fucking worst. Christmas has always felt like a bloodsucking two month block of shopping malls (always full of awful mutant preteens) and panicking about buying stupid, shitty, meaningless presents for this asshole and that asshole who you never even acknowledge in the other 364.25 days of the year -- all the effort producing a pair of socks wrapped in newspaper, in my case. Every year. And I always attribute Easter to disgusting white chocolate, which, consumed in gross excess, makes my intestines feel like they are filled with putrefied donkey dickshit.
But now the last memory of the first year Halloween has been nothing but massive trauma is sitting alone at my desk the night before Halloween in my pathetic homemade felt-and-staples Batman costume, desperately trying to decide between falling asleep while watching a DVD of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" (it was time for desperate measures) or binge eating from the economy sized variety bag of chocolate that's under my bed until I passed out from a diabetic seizure/coma combination.
After the seizures passed, I woke up this morning with chocolate stuck to my cheek, the smell of beer on my clothes, and "Mulholland Drive" playing on my laptop, on which I had fallen asleep with my face pressed against the keyboard. Then, Halloween night was spent getting drunk as fast as possible, alone in my dorm room, which was absolutely depressing.
At this point, I know that I'm just getting what I brought onto myself, and that I don't deserve more than that, but fuck, man. I wish I could go back a few years when I could just go out trick or treating with the retarded kids in my neighborhood that I hated, stuff my sadly disproportionate fat face with candy, and finish up the night by coming home -- where I would lock myself into my bedroom and listen to "Loveline" on the radio under the covers until I fell asleep. It's not so much that I'm homesick, really, or even too nostalgic.. There's just more shit to worry about with each passing year, it seems, so that home brings about the memories of a time in which my biggest worry was whether or not I was going to be able to pass swimming class at the YMCA (I never did).
I have a pair of glasses that I use to see things that are far away because I am blind as a horse's behind. They work pretty well, but they give me a horrible headache almost everytime I use them. I think it's all of the light being concentrated, focused angularly, and shot straight into my eyeball. There's just too much shit coming in at once in pure and unmarred form. Sure, it's nice to be able to see everything that is potentially visible, but frankly, most of the time the cost of wearing glasses -- that is, the searing pain shooting through my left hemisphere -- just doesn't seem like it's worth bearing to be able to see what Professor Bumblefuckass is writing on the board.
What I'm saying is maybe sometimes it just seems like it's better to not see. Sometimes it feels like it's better to leave the glasses off and continue being oblivious to my surroundings, getting lost, accidentally stomping on people's feet and blindly stepping on young children and dogs on the sidewalk.. maybe it's better to not see the things that pass me by or to not fully realize what an ass I am until it's too late, just in efforts to keep that blinding pain away.
I know this is blatantly underdeveloped metaphorical sentimental bullshit just streaming out of the computer screen, but fuck it. I'm tired, fucked up, and just realizing that I really need to get up, look around, and take in everything that's going on around me and just deal with whatever that brings, no matter how much it fucking hurts.
[Peek-a-Foo]