the only thing worse
than bad memories
is no memories at all..
[dismemberment plan]
4.04.2008
How to Bust Your Ass.
1. Get a job at a small law firm or similar place of employment likely to have decorative coffee tables.
2. Engage in conversation with boss in his office while perching self on edge of low glass coffee table. Make this a habit.
3. Build up false sense of security while doing so.
4. On the day you'd like to Bust Your Ass (TM), wear some kind of long flowy dress that is likely to catch debris in its folds. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! Men, make do with loose linen pants.
5. During a lull in the conversation with boss while perched on edge of low glass coffee table, relax and lean back, making sure to place all of your body weight onto your ass.
6. When the glass shatters and your ass crashes through, act surprised: wide eyes, O-shaped mouth, hands flapping like doves.
7. This will make your boss leap up and go into Former Boy Scout Mode (TM) that he has not employed in 40 years. He will pull you out of the rubble by the elbows.
8. Upon setting back on your feet, take note of your surroundings. Your ass has crashed through a glass coffee table, at work, causing a bit of a ruckus. When co-workers start lumbering over, act calm despite your utter embarrassment.
9. Notice the drops of blood on the floor. Shit, is that YOUR blood? And why does it feel like you have a killer wedgie from outer space? Damn!
10. Upon reaching back to pick the Wedgie From Outer Space (TM) (R), notice that it is not your underwear (luckily, you somehow had the foresight to wear red underwear on this bloody day) that is caught up in between your butt cheeks, but rather, it's a 6 INCH SHARD OF GLASS THAT HAS BURIED ITSELF INTO YOUR FLESH.
11. Stay calm.
12. Just kidding, FREAK THE FUCK OUT (on the inside)!
13. Pull it out gently. Notice how it feels like you're slicing into a Christmas Ham -- funny, there's no pain!
14. Cram paper towels into your ass to ebb the sudden gushes of warm blood, and wait for the ambulance to come. Wonder if your paramedic ex-boyfriend will come. Feel very conflicted about it and enjoy the momentarily distracting thought.
15. Twenty minutes later, wonder where the paramedics are, and why your legs are trembling, and if you'll cry. You won't. Okay, a little, but your co-workers will politely look away.
16. When the medics come, realize with dread that you MAY have to leave your office building on a chest-high stretcher, on your stomach, with your Ass In the Air, like Forrest Gump.
17. When the paramedics ask you, "How bad is the pain on a scale of 0-10," feel happy that you can answer, "Guys, I've had worse after Mexican food. 2." Feel pleased with self -- no, really, go on! It's okay.
18. In the emergency room, be prepared to have several doctors form a semi-circle around your bed and ask you while barely stifling their laughter (which is inevitable with any kind of Traumatic Ass Injury), "What happened?" Tell them the ridiculous story and share a few laughs.
19. As more doctors come in behind your curtain, welcome them to "The Butt Party." One of them may "raise the roof" while saying, "HAYYY."
20. Be prepared to have several doctors look for internal bleeding by sticking their finger up your ass. Three times. Then enjoy the feeling of having a Q-tip stuck all the way into your wound, to see how far it goes. TWO INCHES! Note that the bloody Q-tip will be left on a plastic chair near your bedside for the rest of your stay in the ER. It's like a little friend -- talk to it if you'd like.
21. When they do find blood in your rectum, bite down on that leather strap and get ready for a load of fun! And by "Load of Fun (TM)" I mean getting a 6 inch metal tube shoved up your ass while you struggle to find your "Special Happy Place." They will also use a small rubber pump to blast air into your ass. Try not to fart in the doctor's face -- they are trying to help you (and amuse themselves slightly).
22. When they roll over a giant IV bag full of clear fluid, note that this is not for intravenous administration. This is to spray up your ass. The nurse will pump this into your ass and you have to tell her when it feels like you're going to spew shitty water all over. Then you'll have to get up and spray shitty water out of your ass in the shared public restroom. At this point, you should wonder if you should be writing this for your internet audience -- Answer: Yes, you should.
23. Entertain your lovely visitors -- they care about you! Show them your ass, if you'd like. They don't mind.
24. CAT scan time! Wheeeeee!
25. CAT scan result: "You have a lot of air in your pelvis." Translation: "You have a wicked case of the farts." Blush.
26. Stay calm while the trauma surgery doctor comes over and explains that they're going to sedate you in order to stick a camera up your ass. "No biggie," you might think. But then the whammy -- the doc will say, "If we find a hole in your rectum, we're going to have to knock you out completely and operate. We might do this through your butthole, but if we have to go through your abdomen, you'll need a... you know, one of those..." (He'll motion to the side of his stomach now) "Colostomy bags?" you'll say. "Yes. For 2-3 months."
27. Try not to freak out at the idea of having a bag attached to the outside of your body, into which you'll have to poo. Take a deep breath and return to your "Special Happy Place" in your mind.
28. "Okay, cool man," you'll say. "Let's do it."
29. Upon receiving sedation, as you're fading in and out of consciousness, spurt out the last words: "God, you doctors here are all so YOUNG and HOT!" Ignore the doctor that says, "Quick -- put her under!"
30. Despite the anesthesiologist claiming that you won't feel or remember anything, you may remember the odd feeling of huge instruments going into your ass. Smile.
31. Wake up to someone shaking your shoulder. "We didn't find anything, you did great," translates to "YEAH! NO SHITTING INTO A BAG!"
32. Silently cry tears of joy in the recovery room. Call everyone you know and shout, "I DON'T HAVE TO SHIT INTO A BAG," and quickly hang up. It's best to leave them guessing.
33. Get wheeled up to your hospital room, where you'll have to stay for another two days. Two relaxing days of watching Law & Order and the Tyra Banks show all damn day.
34. Oh yeah, and you can only eat/drink clear liquids. This means for the next 48 hours or so, you can only eat Jell-O and chicken broth. Try not to seem too excited at the idea of losing a few pounds.
35. Wait and see if you get sick -- if you get a fever and start barfing, it means that you're Really Fucked Now. This would mean that the hole in your rectum is leaking poo into your body, which will form little pockets of rotting poo that will travel around your body. Hope that it doesn't happen. Watch another episode of Matlock.
Blah, blah, blah, okay okay, I'm getting lost on a tangent as usual, and my fucking ass is freaking killing me, so I'll end my How To Bust Your Ass tutorial here for now. I consider myself incredibly lucky that: (1) my boss pulled me out of the glass shards, because otherwise, if I'd struggled, that piece of glass would have gone right through my body and probably would have killed me, (2) everyone at the hospital was incredible, (3) I, for some reason, have people that care about me, and (4) I do not have rotting pockets of poo floating around my body, plotting my demise.
Anyway, if there's anything that you can take away from the stupid nonsense that I write, it's please, guys, never, ever sit on glass tables. No, really, that's it. It's easy, right? Just don't do it. I know all the cool kids are doing it these days, but don't. Unless you want to end up shitting out of a hole in the small of your back.
(Heh heh!)
So I'm at home looking for donut cushions for my ass on eBay now, and preparing to be the "butt" of a few jokes... so fire away.
[Peek-a-Foo]
