While working at a hardware/home improvement store, one meets a variety of people.
There's angry red-faced customers, paint-splattered construction workers, and immigrants who don't speak English but like to stare at boobs, among many, many other types of personalities.
However, I feel like I have the most interesting conversations with my co-workers.
Today, an man with 8 teeth (yellow, croooked, and chipped) that I work with came over to me, cackling, and said something like,
"Blah blah blah saws and dikes!"
"What?" I thought I misheard him. Saws and dikes?
"Yeah, you know, I just saw a couple of DYKES!
You know, LESBIANS.
Little, fat, manly ones!!
I BET THEY EAT EACH OTHER'S SHITHOLES ALL DAY.
(cackle cackle)"
I looked down and saw in surprise that I was involuntarily smiling and rubbing my hands together with gleeful greed, thinking about how much money I could get rolling in with a "sexual harrasment at the workplace" lawsuit.
I mean, some guy got half a million or something because one of his co-workers said "fag" in front of him.
But I like 8-tooth Bill.
Or 8-tooth Dave?
I'm still not sure of everyone's names yet.
So, instead, I did the next logical thing and asked him,
So T. and I caught the second to last U.S. show ever of The Dismemberment Plan last night in Philly.
It was awesome.
I seriously hate working so much though.
By the time I got home, (after driving around cluelessly and T. almost crashing the car into a telephone post after he fell asleep at the wheel) I realized that I'd have to wake up in 3 hours and go to work.
Anyway, I'll post more about the show and more fun stuff soon!
I actually did get that job at Lowes.
I was talking to some of the other new hires, and it turns out that some of the slackjawed yokels are making more money than I am.
Like for example, a guy who wears sweatshirts in 90 degree weather, has a bad moustache, and has been heard to say things like:
"OH MAN! THIS IS JUST BANANAS!" and
"YO DUDE. THAT IS SICK AS BAAAAALLLLS!"
and also runs around the store making racecar sounds,
is apparently worth much more in the job market.
Oh well.
Anyway, I've been working 8 hour shifts these past few days, which have totally sucked.
I come home so tired that all I can do is watch TV until I go to sleep.
The whole Sunday lineup on Fox was on tonight, and after King of the Hill and the Simpsons rolled by, Banzai! came on.
I had seen commercials for this show now and then, and it looked like a total ball of crap.
There were always a bunch of stupid looking, bald, old Japanese men wearing big thick glasses, screaming "BANZAI!" with flashy cartoony stuff going on in the background.
My mom always shook her head in disgust at these commercials, very obviously thinking of how much of a bastardization of asian culture this show was, and how disgraceful of an example it was setting.
But oh man!
This show is SICK AS BALLS!
Well, maybe I shouldn't go bananas over it, but it's pretty funny.
I guess it wouldn't be so entertaining if there weren't two Japanese guys yelling and screaming about everything, kind of like how Iron Chef stopped being funny after William Shatner took over as the host.
I mean seriously, what were they thinking?
Even other white people don't like William Shatner.
Why would they put him on Iron Chef?
Anyway, I completely expected to hate this show, because I pretty much figured that it would just make people shake their heads in disgust and think, "Oh, them crazy Asian bastards."
But that's what makes it good.
Seriously, it has everything.
In this one episode, it had Michael Jackson impersonators, the guy who played Willis on Diff'rent Strokes (where that irritating phrase "Whatchoo talkin' bout, Willis?" originated) racing a dog, questioning Harry Potter's sexuality ("Has he done it proper with a lady? Has he got his magic wand out for lady yet?"), and of course, the token midgets.
I think the best part, though, was when the commentator screamed,
"HA HA! HE HIT DECK LIKE NAUGHTY SAILOR! HA HA HA!"
I woke up early this morning to pee in a cup at a drug test center.
I might start working at Lowes for the few weeks of summer we have left.
I know nothing about home improvement, plumbing, lumber, paint, or anything, but hopefully I can make myself useful.
Apparently, they pay pretty well, anyway.
And hey, I have no problem working with a lot of big, brawny guys.
So after that, I went to my doctor to get immunizations for college.
It turns out that my records don't show that I got my second Measles shot, which is really odd, since I wouldn't have been allowed to go to public school (which I have for the past 10 or so years of my education) without the district fearing that I would spread a deadly infectious disease throughout the student population.
As it turns out, my doctor, a really creepy old man, has a son (who is ten times as creepy) who now works with him as a practicing M.D. in the same office.
I'm perfectly fine with an old man giving me a shot, since he's probably done it a million times before, but when this meathead walked in, barely out of adolescence, with his big fat head (seriously, it was huge; enormous.), big fat clumsy-looking sausage fingers, opened his stupid mouth, and started talking with his thick lisp, I knew immediately that this poor specimen of a man was not going to even touch me, let alone stick a needle in my arm and inject me with anything.
So, this incompetent fool saunters into the room in his soft, squeaky Hush Puppy sneakers, greets my mom with his thick lisp and broken Korean speaking skills, and starts pumping the blood pressure cuff like there's no tomorrow.
And then he starts sticking his stethoscope up my shirt, poking around under there, telling me to relax,
.. touching my leg.
Okay, what?
I was there for a shot, not for him to start sticking popsicle sticks (and perhaps, later, his tongue -- god knows) down my throat.
So after I set that straight, he goes to his dad's closed office door, knocks, and says, "Uh.. Dad.. What do I do now?"
I am convinced that my doctor, now that he has his heavy-lidded, slack-jawed son to do all the dirty work, just sits back in his leather chair and looks at porn all day.
My mom and I have seen the Hustler and Playboy magazines strewn across his office, no joke.
Well anyway, to make a long and probably uninteresting story short, Doctor Jr. had to scurry around, back and forth from the examining room to his dad's office, knocking nervously and calling, "Umm, Dad?" through the closed door to his dad while he was looking at porn, and touching my leg in a comforting manner, and finally, I left with two punctured arms filled with Hepatitis A and B, and Measles.
When my mom and I finally got out of that place full of bumbling idiots and horny doctors, we decided, for some unknown reason or another, that it would be a good idea to take a trip down to the shore with the rest of la familia and go fishing and crabbing at high tide, which was to be around 2 :30 am.
So my dad, T-Bone, and I went out for a few hours to buy various fishing/crabbing paraphrenalia, and returned with a car full of supplies.
Since at this point, it was only around 9:30 at night and high tide wouldn't be rolling around for another 5 hours or so, my parents suggested that we all take a short nap and leave around 11:00 pm, so we would be able to stay up late.
We all dozed off shortly afterwards, and none of us woke up from our dead coma-like sleep until about 1:30 am, which my dad declared as being much too late to go.
All in all, a very productive day.
But you know, whatever, it's the cot damn summer, at least I'm not sitting around, watching Sunday morning golf on TV, locked in my room playing Solitaire on my computer and downloading music all day..
[Peek-a-Foo]
