the only thing worse
than bad memories
is no memories at all..
[dismemberment plan]
9.29.2003
New York University
College is pretty cot damn awesome.
Things are going so well that it's almost scary.
I have a roommate that is hot, smart, and totally nice... and yet I don't hate her.
Which is really unusual.
There was a big rally out at Washington Square Park for the Reverend Sun Myung Moon religious cult the other day.
A whole truckload of tiny Asian people in teeny yellow t-shirts and matching baseball caps were out "spreading the word."
Half of them were out singing hymns, the other half were out on corners, completely blank-eyed and monotone, handing out flyers about the second coming of Jesus.
Their "spokesperson," who told people passing by that Jesus had reincarnated in the from of Reverend Sun Myung Moon, was a man dressed up as none other than...
Former President of the United States of America, Abraham Lincoln.
I also saw a pimp for the first time whilst walking down Broadway.
I know I completely sound like a little sheltered suburbanite, but man.. it was awesome.
I mean, he was decked out in green, wore oversized sunglasses, a big Jamiroquai-ish hat, high heel shoes, and strutted down the sidewalk holding a huge black feather.
I barely restrained myself from taking pictures and asking him to hook me up with some fly honeys.
I also managed to acquire a bona fide stalker.
According to him, he is an aspiring actor.... but as our first conversation progressed, it became apparent that he is also a complete nutcase.
It's awesome.
Cults and potential stalkers aside, I think the best part about the park here are the bums.. they love to harass women with totally off-color remarks.
A few select lines:
"Honey, you got a boyfriend? Who is it, me?" -- Creepy guy on a tiny Huffy bike
This shady character actually followed me for a block or two; it reminded me that I might want to carry around some mace or a billyclub.
"Baby, I want to get some syrup and pour it all over you and eat you for breakfast!" -- Fat old white guy in a dirty undershirt
The scariest part is that I've actually heard this syrup line before... Who THINKS of these lines?
And my personal favorite:
"YO GIRL YOU GOT SOME SEXY-ASS KNEECAPS." -- Crazy guy with dreadlocks blasting reggae music
.... Kneecaps???
Anyway.
College is so awesome. I mean, new experiences unfold everyday.
I mean, just tonight, I tried tasting some things that, for a good part of my life, I thought were absolutely disgusting..
Roast beef sandwiches... pecan pie... girls' vaginas..
But they all turned out to be unexpectedly but completely enjoyable.
All kidding aside, though, going to school in the village is pretty fucking cool.
I have a cool roommate, T. lives around the corner, there's reasonably priced (but by no means cheap) good food everywhere, and, of course, I have Georgie, my pet turtle... everything I need.
You know, I think it's a little weird that this post doesn't go off on some inane rant about how much I hate old people or fat kids or something.
It's actually about me being pretty content with my life, which is kind of atypical...
So okay, for the sake of continuity:
I hate asians.
And Danny Glover.. Oh man, do I hate that guy!
I'm doing all sorts of cool new "adult" things, like going to classes, playing computer games, eating Froot Loops, and drinking things from my new sippy cup.
I swear to you, everything tastes better in a sippy cup.
There's this awesome place not too far from my dorm called The Comedy Cellar.
I went last night (well, a few hours ago) to see Collin Quinn and Darrell Hammond. For you uncivilized commoners out there, they're on the cast of Saturday Night Live.
We got really great seats right in front of the mic!
This was our view:
Darrell Hammond had just finished up his Arnold Schwartzenegger impression, when guess who pokes his head in?
CHEVY CHASE!!!!
He went up to the stage, said Hello to everyone, and I..
I..
I TOUCHED HIS KNUCKLE!
MY POINTER FINGER OF MY RIGHT HAND CAME INTO PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH HIS KNUCKLE.
I TOUCHED CHEVY CHASE!
So as you know, this automatically makes me a celebrity, too.
The last guy that came up, Mitch Fatel, was so funny, I think I might have blacked-out a few times from laughing so much.
Penis and vagina jokes just get to me, I guess.
Isn't he a cute little muffin?
College is awesome.
For you youngsters out there:
When someone tells you that those four years in high school are the best four years of your life, don't listen to him.
He obviously didn't go to college.
Punch him in the balls, call him an uneducated fuck, and run away as fast as you can.
[Peek-a-Foo]
