the only thing worse
than bad memories
is no memories at all..
[dismemberment plan]
10.31.2004
Holiday
I'm never going to say that I didn't deserve this, but fuck. Add Halloween to the list of holidays I'm going to hold a grudge against for the rest of my life. That's right -- Halloween. Fuck, man.
Halloween was the last of the non-Christian holidays that used to bring some sort of joy to my life. Chocolate, an excuse to wear panties over tights in public, pumpkin pie... Really, Halloween is seriously the shit.
Christian holidays are the absolute fucking worst. Christmas has always felt like a bloodsucking two month block of shopping malls (always full of awful mutant preteens) and panicking about buying stupid, shitty, meaningless presents for this asshole and that asshole who you never even acknowledge in the other 364.25 days of the year -- all the effort producing a pair of socks wrapped in newspaper, in my case. Every year. And I always attribute Easter to disgusting white chocolate, which, consumed in gross excess, makes my intestines feel like they are filled with putrefied donkey dickshit.
But now the last memory of the first year Halloween has been nothing but massive trauma is sitting alone at my desk the night before Halloween in my pathetic homemade felt-and-staples Batman costume, desperately trying to decide between falling asleep while watching a DVD of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" (it was time for desperate measures) or binge eating from the economy sized variety bag of chocolate that's under my bed until I passed out from a diabetic seizure/coma combination.
After the seizures passed, I woke up this morning with chocolate stuck to my cheek, the smell of beer on my clothes, and "Mulholland Drive" playing on my laptop, on which I had fallen asleep with my face pressed against the keyboard. Then, Halloween night was spent getting drunk as fast as possible, alone in my dorm room, which was absolutely depressing.
At this point, I know that I'm just getting what I brought onto myself, and that I don't deserve more than that, but fuck, man. I wish I could go back a few years when I could just go out trick or treating with the retarded kids in my neighborhood that I hated, stuff my sadly disproportionate fat face with candy, and finish up the night by coming home -- where I would lock myself into my bedroom and listen to "Loveline" on the radio under the covers until I fell asleep. It's not so much that I'm homesick, really, or even too nostalgic.. There's just more shit to worry about with each passing year, it seems, so that home brings about the memories of a time in which my biggest worry was whether or not I was going to be able to pass swimming class at the YMCA (I never did).
I have a pair of glasses that I use to see things that are far away because I am blind as a horse's behind. They work pretty well, but they give me a horrible headache almost everytime I use them. I think it's all of the light being concentrated, focused angularly, and shot straight into my eyeball. There's just too much shit coming in at once in pure and unmarred form. Sure, it's nice to be able to see everything that is potentially visible, but frankly, most of the time the cost of wearing glasses -- that is, the searing pain shooting through my left hemisphere -- just doesn't seem like it's worth bearing to be able to see what Professor Bumblefuckass is writing on the board.
What I'm saying is maybe sometimes it just seems like it's better to not see. Sometimes it feels like it's better to leave the glasses off and continue being oblivious to my surroundings, getting lost, accidentally stomping on people's feet and blindly stepping on young children and dogs on the sidewalk.. maybe it's better to not see the things that pass me by or to not fully realize what an ass I am until it's too late, just in efforts to keep that blinding pain away.
I know this is blatantly underdeveloped metaphorical sentimental bullshit just streaming out of the computer screen, but fuck it. I'm tired, fucked up, and just realizing that I really need to get up, look around, and take in everything that's going on around me and just deal with whatever that brings, no matter how much it fucking hurts.
Eating snow flakes with plastic forks
And a paper plate, of course
you think of everything
Short love with a long divorce
And a couple of kids of course
they don't mean anything
Live in trailers with no class
goddamn I hope I can pass high school
means nothing
Taking heartache with hard work
Goddamn I am such a jerk
I can't do anything
And I shout that you're all fakes
And you should have seen the look on your face
And I guess that's what it takes
When comparing your bellyaches
And it's been a long time
Which agrees with this watch of mine
And I guess that I miss you
and I'm sorry if I dissed you
I think one of the biggest issues with an NYU education system is the fact that there's too many classes with graduate students teaching as TA(Teaching Assistant)s. No wait, scratch that. The bigger problem that lies within that problem is the fact that it's nearly impossible to tell which are gay and which are straight.
For those of you who are quick to point the finger of bigotry at me, fuck you, Assfuck McGee. You silly mongrel. I mean, with classes getting more difficult with each passing semester, and with the end of this fall term rapidly approaching, it's time to play the game of "Let's Whore Ourselves Away For a Decent Passing Grade" with no holds barred. Like I say, "No shame, no gain." Time to let the sexually frustrated Natural Science TA (the one who draws pictures of naked ladies on bear rugs in his notebook and has a permanent bulge in his sweatpants) whack you in the ass with a salami with a dildo duct taped inside your mouth. Just hang loose, Mother Goose. You know how we do.
Well, back to the problem at hand -- it's impossible to throw yourself at a TA's feet, making sure your short plaid skirt subtly gets thrown over your head, while sobbing hysterically, clutching wildly at his upper thighs asking for a B+, please dear god, a B+, when you're not even sure if he's into girls or not. If he's not, you'd probably freak him out and do even worse in the class, with comments on your final paper like "Please keep your hands off my thighs next time please thank you -- inappropriate behavior :)" scratched in with a red pen underlined so many times that it ripped and bled through a few pages.
Every TA I've had so far in my past three terms here have been exactly the same (-- except for one girl TA who, to digress momentarily, I once overheard saying to her boyfriend on the phone in a very hush-hush voice: "Honey, don't forget to pick up cigarettes, condoms, and my child sized enemas. Thanks Babe." -- ). They've all been very slim, shy, pale, no facial hair, with very white, small hands that fold up and tremble nervously when one of us asks a question. Fancy side-parted hairdos, a tremulous voice (spit-spraying lisp optional but preferred), polished expensive shoes, and a tendency to cross their legs a little too tightly for a standard guy. (Quick note: I fully realize that these are totally stereotypical and don't apply to every gay guy on the planet. I KNOW THIS, FUCKFACE. SHUT UP.)
So anyway, the fall semester is wrapping up and I only have one recorded grade in my Hitchcock Film course and it ain't pretty. My TA looks like he could be one of the pretty dudes in Belle and Sebastian and he's given the girls some pretty shitty grades. But, well, even if I can't humiliate myself beseeching him for a better grade this term, I really have to say, he's a pretty cool teacher despite his completely unfair grading system and despite his being a complete douchebag dongkisser (IN TERMS OF GRADING. DONGKISSERS ARE COOL IN MY BOOK. SHUT UP.).
You know what? On a quick side note, he kind of looks a lot like Clifford from The Muppets:
or rather, Predator:
Again, since NYU now has a brand new stricter code of harrassment, I'm unfortunately obligated to say that I don't hate, discriminate against, or wish a horrible death upon homosexuals. I don't believe that homosexuality is a deed that makes baby Jesus cry; I do not believe that it is war crime, nor is it a crime against humanity. I don't believe homosexuality's sole purpose is to amuse straight people with parades and comedy sitcoms such as Will and Grace (i.e. a garbage shitpile). DO NOT. No. I don't. In case you haven't realized yet, this site is a joke. Really. Okay? Okay. Got it? Nice. Keep it real, kids, keep it real.
speedymom: hi my brother: hello speedymom: free now? my brother: nope speedymom: then busy? my brother: yep speedymom: for date? speedymom: tonite @9 vice president devate. my brother: are u off today? speedymom: i will ask Robert to watch that with me my brother: hi. i am robert. speedymom: i'm off tonite speedymom: my brother: oh speedymom: i'waiting for you to come home to do many things my brother: I AM ROBERT speedymom: pls, let me know you are coming this wkend my brother: I AM ROBERT my brother: YOU HAVE TO MESSAGE SPINKIES55 NOT ME speedymom: oh
[Peek-a-Foo]
